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[Enoch had wanted to say something earlier, when he asked for death videos for entertainment. But then Brian had actually shared some, and after watching too many succumb to the poor lifestyle and old age, watching them die again had hurt too much. Watching Beckett die again hurt too much, and the fact that it had brought the poor vampire himself out of hiding in distress only made it worse. He couldn't bear to look at the conversation anymore after that.]

...I care because I must. It's who I am. They may die here - this place is upsetting enough without us adding to it. How do you stop caring and continue to live with yourself?

[It's soft, and the question, while its contents are accusatory, actually sounds like he's genuinely, sadly, asking.]

[He's...kinda expecting the question, but he's not ready to answer it. There's a long pause before he continues.]

Because they're just mortals. They're all gonna die anyway, they're all gonna be nothing but a blip of a memory soon enough.

[No- no, no, no, mortal lives are not meaningless. It's a bitter blend of pain and anger that lends force to his words. If mortal lives meant nothing, losing them would not have affected any of them the way they did.]

That doesn't make their lives useless! They can still do things to impact the world around them and the people around them, including us. So their lives are a fraction of our own, does that mean anything? Does that make their feelings, wants, or ambitions any less true?

Well...no...but what's the point!? How can you bother caring when they're just gonna die soon anyway!?

Because they still feel, and they still hurt. This place hurts more than most, and they're likely to live the rest of their days here. It's the least we can do to make them as happy and comfortable as we can because they won't have anything else.

[...he got him there.]

Yeah...well.

[He rubs his head. A real admission.]

I’m tired of losing them.

Edited 2017-11-01 02:02 (UTC)

I know... I know. So am I.

[The most painful part is the mortals aren't the only ones he's losing. Peter, chaos, and the nations have grown colder over the years, Beckett has gone completely feral (and watching his mind go was like feeling something in himself wilt into nothing)... Strangely enough the only one he can speak to without feeling loss and regret pulling at his heart is Castiel, easily one of the least human nonhumans around, originally.]

And I know it hurts and you want to push them as far away as possible. But that doesn't mean you can mistreat them. You were mortal-raised, Peter, like I was. You should know better than that.

[ You were mortal-raised, Peter, like I was. You should know better than that.

That stings. Old memories surface, creaky and dusty in his mind, perhaps he'd stuffed them back down too far, too much, in order to suppress the pain. His mom would be disappointed in him, wouldn't she? He remembered listening to music with her on the grass...he wondered if he'd forget what grass even smelled like.]

You don't know me, man. Maybe I was mortal-raised, but that was a long time ago. That's a nothing amount of time. This is who I am now.

[The most deadpan of exasperated faces at his tablet. One step forward, two steps back, and now Peter's defending his mistreatment of them, of using their misfortune for his entertainment.

He's sure it's a cover for his pain but it's damn annoying, and wrong on all possible levels.]

That's wrong, and you know it. However long ago it was, however short it was, it made you, and it gave you an insight into mortal life that other immortals struggle to grasp.

However else you deal with the pain of losing them, you are uniquely positioned to know the pain that you inflict. Do not pretend your mistreatment of them is justified because they'll be gone one day.

[ However long ago it was, however short it was, it made you, and it gave you an insight into mortal life that other immortals struggle to grasp.

He looked angrily away from the screen a moment, not wanting to see Enoch's deadpan, exasperated face. His own face grew hot with the pain he'd been suppressing threatening to make itself known.]

Whatever. Besides, I don't mistreat them that badly, Come on. Just cause I call them 'mortals' and poke fun a little.

[Enoch is having none of this. He's watched this behavior long enough. He could have gone distant like chaos or the nations. He could have gone feral like Beckett. Hurting mortals by using traumatic events like deaths as entertainment on the grounds that they won't live to be hurt forever is where he draws the line.]

You know exactly how what you do makes them feel. I know that you're hurting, but that gives you no right to hurt anyone else for it, least of all because you think they're somehow not worth as much.

[Stop calling him out like this, man. Peter bristles.]

They'll be fine! Not everyone's as sensitive as you!

[He will not stop.]

Oh, yes, they'll be fine. Putting their horrific deaths on display and laughing about it, it's just one more thing, isn't it? They died and they're fine. They had their minds rearranged again last week and there's something going on right now - but, no, they'll be fine.

That's why only a few agreed with you, they're all fine? Which is it, Peter? They don't really hurt? Or their hurt doesn't matter because they'll die?

[He quietly glowers at the screen, openly angry for a change.]

Do yourself a favor, Peter, and let yourself feel. Cry. Grieve. Because your alternative so far is hurting them, and I will not stand for it.

[Peter face grows hot once more, he's trying desperately not to feel, to not admit that everyone was right and he was hurting the people he once cared about, to admit that caring was something he once was actually good at...he wanted to shut it down, forget that part of him ever existed, to kill whatever empathy he had left.

He didn't want it anymore.]

Their hurt doesn't matter because they'll die!

[He spits it out, cruelly.]

I don't care if they're hurt, they're just gonna die. They're dead already.

[He doesn't say anything about the 'cry' or 'grieve'. Those were dangerous words.]

But you do care. If you did, you wouldn't have to be so forceful. You're trying to convince yourself, Peter, I can hear it.

[His voice levels into sternness, guarded disapproval.]

They're not dead yet. Days still have meaning. Years still have meaning. Their pain is not meaningless, just as ours isn't. Retreat if you must, if you can't handle the pain, but stop this, or I will stop it for you.

I don't know what you're talkin' about man, I really, really couldn't care less. [A scoff. Enoch was completely right, but he wasn't going to admit that out loud.] There's no pain to be handled. I'm fine.

[Retreat? That was probably a good idea. But he'd lose his mind from the loneliness. Better to bother people than be truly alone.]

Is that a threat?

Not to you. It would be hard to mistreat them with someone there to be able to take your tablet away from you when you begin to lash out at them. I am trying to protect these people, and I don't need you in my way. The town hurts them enough on its own.

[He doesn't flinch. Peter's tone of voice means nothing to him.]

You were ready to agree with me, to tell me how tired you were of losing them. And then I said your behavior was wrong, and that changed. I understand the pain of loss, Peter, but if you cannot stand to live with them then leave them alone.

So you're just gonna...like...follow me around and take away my tablet so I won't be mean? [An incredulous scoff.

But Enoch was right. He just didn't want to own up to his behavior. Face the fact he was being needlessly cruel to people he once cared deeply for. Perhaps still cared incredibly deeply for.

But the alternative was to remain alone, and he just...

...it was terrifying. He knew he was going to end up alone someday. Well, besides the immortal crew. But his friends...eventually they'd stop appearing. Eventually they'd be gone for good. And the thought hurt. Worse than the hurt that was caused by merely talking to them.]

I'm not going to stop.

[I don't want to be alone, even if it's just people getting angry with me.]

Even the smallest slight can hurt out of all proportion to an already-hurting mind. Your behavior has the potential to be salt in all too numerous wounds.

Why do you insist on this? It doesn't need to be this way. Look at me, look at Castiel.

Maybe they just need to kinda like, stop being so sensitive. You'd think that with how tough this town was, it'd weed out all the weaklings.

Insist on what? You guys are like...way too chill. Boring. Boring in your old age.

And maybe you need to stop being so insensitive. The people here are incredibly strong to weather what we've faced, but even the strongest have their breaking points. You insist on actions that push them closer to it.

I'd rather be boring than actively harming other people.

Ughhhhh. [He rubs his face.] Seriously? The stuff I'm doing is really what's going to push people over the edge.

[Which...apparently it did upset some people big time.

He leans against something, sighing loudly. Even though he's trying to sound like he doesn't care, there's something of real fear in his voice when he gets to the 'evers'.]

Bored, boring, everything is boring and everyone is boring and it's going to be this way forever and ever and ever and ever and ever...

[His voice softens considerably at the audible fear. He remembers the dread he felt when he realized he had an eternity of loss ahead of him. But he hadn't been alone. He'd had a companion. He still does, albeit a different one and not near him. He's found the strength, somehow, to carry on for someone who isn't with him, as long as he knows he's alive.]

It doesn't have to be. We can't change "forever" but we can change the "boring" - or address the problems with what you find entertaining, at the very least.

We can't change forever. [Here's a truckload of bitterness in his tone.] All we have to look forward to is this. Snow for the next ten thousand years. A few bazillion more deaths of the people that we know. Maybe a dash of anomalies for fun.

What can be entertaining in this place!? It's already been forever, I'm gonna lo-- [He shouldn't be dumping this on Enoch. Especially after trying to play off how much he didn't care, and how cool he was about it. He swallows, catching up to his words.]

And you didn't really think deaths were entertaining at all, of course.

[He sighs.]

What can you think of that you enjoy?

[And he expects the answer to not amount to much. He's much more familiar with what depression is and can do by now. He's been there, at times, himself, that point where nothing seems to help at all. And it's something most of them likely have by now...]

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