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... Yes, I was.

[Flynn sobers at the thought. Even though his head is filled with an entire new set of fake memories he's still working through, their perceived lifetime in this city and the changes in Peter he lived through are still painful to revisit.]

Couldn't stop it from happening. I tried, you know? I mean, I think I did, everything has become really fuzzy in the aftermath, I don't remember the details but I remember... I remember trying.

Trying only goes so far from a mortal person, I'm afraid. After all, it's-... likely that to him you were the second or third Flynn in the town and that you were long dead. That's how I saw my own mortal companions. It makes attempts to help, ah...difficult. Painful, even.

[He swallows. He doesn't want to discourage Flynn but it's an unfortunate truth. The thing that had kept him grounded, in the end, hadn't been his self-appointed mission to see the mortals were as comfortable as he could make them, but the fact that Beckett was still alive, even if he had abandoned his sapience along the way to keep from breaking.]

I wasn't dead.

[Flynn's voice takes a sharper turn at that. He understands the sentiment, can rationally wrap his head around the existential horror of the centuries but Enoch's explanation brings back other memories he actively tries to bury. Peter, angry and hurting, hurling those awful words at him.

You're dead to me! Who cares if I kill you, you're already dead!]

You two are not the first Immortals I've met. Maybe I can't relive what it must be like suffering through all that, fine. But I know it's possible to see mortals in a different light.

[Being lumped in with Peter's behavior hurts, absurdly so for something he never meant to imply. He's more vulnerable than he cares to admit, himself. He starts out vehement, defending the vulnerable spot because he remembers all too well what happened to him in the alternate timeline where he was broken completely. His voice begins breaking almost immediately.]

Of course it is - it isn't about how we perceive you, it's about the inevitable truth of your mortality! The fact that you will one day die and for people like me, like Peter, like Beckett and Castiel and the two nations, you had, multiple times. The town was taunting us by using the brain maps of the deceased versions, that's how the illusion of time was maintained. That you weren't the exact same person but you thought you were. And it hurt all the worse. While everything was happening for the first time from your perspective, from ours, you were another version, another Flynn from another timeline, as if the town was trying to pull every version of you it could here to die.

[And now, with the momentum of words suspended for a second, he finds himself fighting tears.]

We cannot change this. We can change how we react to it. Peter's reaction was wrong. Any one of us could see that. But there's a reason the majority of immortals here chose to withdraw rather than continue to engage as Castiel and I did. Not everyone can manage that on their own. I didn't manage it on my own.

That doesn't make your lives meaningless, this hindrance to your efforts. I never said it did. In fact, I tried to convince him of the opposite. That mortals could still make a personal difference. That conversation was real. It's here, on my tablet. It happened, I tried...

I didn't succeed, I think...but don't- don't say my expression of my pain means I see you as somehow less. Please. I never did, and I have never tried.

[Sometimes Flynn thinks he should maybe just quit social interaction altogether. When Enoch's voice cracks and changes with the unquestionable sound of tears it is definitely one of those times, because no, no, what is happening, that's not what he wanted? His eyes widen slightly like a kid that got caught doing something bad and he stutters through Enoch's speech, cheeks burning as he tries to form a response.]

No, I didn't-- I wasn't--

[This is all too much right now and Flynn finds himself stuck in a weird spiral of feeling guilty and defensive and angry. But it's all displaced and impossible to put into words, a jumbled mess of too many different issues blending together, impossible to untangle and he finds himself unable to explain.]

Peter and I, we had a fight. [More like hundreds but who's counting.] It was... it was pretty bad.

What you said reminded me of it. I shouldn't have taken it out on you, I'm sorry.

Edited 2017-12-10 04:05 (UTC)

Apology accepted, but it's- [He fights to control his breathing, get it steady again.] -not entirely you. Some of my altered memories were...upsetting.

[So he's overly sensitive to these things, too. He sniffs, when his breathing is moderately controlled. It's really only an outward control, as anything he ever seems in control of often is.]

I'm sorry, for what happened between you. And for my part in reminding you of it.

[Flynn listens awkwardly for Enoch's attempts to regain control and wow, he feels really bad now. Maybe he should just switch to text but that would be... incredibly rude, probably. He's just glad they didn't do this via video to begin with.]

Do you... want to talk about it? Your memories?

[Does he want to talk? He isn't sure. Having a better idea of what's going on in his mind might lead to less accidental outbursts like this. Every conversation has become a minefield of things that tear open wounds lately, and neither he nor the other party ever seem to see it coming.

On the other...it still feels wrong to focus on his hurt when someone else is just as wounded.]

I'm...I'm not sure you'd want to hear it. It's very bleak.

Well, I... guess they wouldn't be bad memories if I did, right?

[He shrugs.]

I'm not sure if I'll have any advice for you. I'm not exactly... I'm not an advice-giving kind of... person, but, I guess I can listen?

There really isn't any advice-...

[Aside from the perfectly useless "don't do that". Considering the things that stood out to him as different about this particular timeline seemed like good things at the time didn't help.]

...I gave up. In this other...timeline, session, whatever it is, I gave up.

[He pauses to draw another slow breath.]

I'm unsure there's any advice you could give that isn't incredibly obvious and also much easier said than done.

[Flynn makes good on his promise and he does listen, falling back on his bed for the night as Enoch's voice comes out of the tablet. Giving up. It's true, there's hardly any advice that he can give and they're probably all tired of it didn't really happen at this point. He closes his eyes for a moment and tries to picture it, being in that situation, just letting go of everything.

Eventually,]

That must be difficult to come back from.

I had- ...something good come out of a different one, and that helped somewhat. But I can't forget what it felt like, that complete hopelessness.

[He doesn't want to talk about it. But he's already on edge, and those feelings too stubborn.]

Was nobody with you? I know you guys perceived time differently than the rest of us but...

Not in these memories. I'd...decided my presence was a burden. I'd been avoiding others. I really don't- I live my life day to day like everyone else. Being nearly four hundred only means I remember more years, not that I experience time any differently. So each day alone...well, you wouldn't have to struggle to think of how it felt, after that tower.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean... that you remember more years, that's what I meant.

[He exhales, opening his eyes and staring at the ceiling.]

Sounds lonely.

And I had convinced myself I deserved every second of it.

[A pause. There's a scraping sound, plastic on something tougher, metal? He's scratching the eyes off something, no doubt.]

I...that's not relevant to my age or anything else. I'm sorry.

What? [That comes as a surprise and he blinks, listening to the scraping for a while.]

Why would you think that? You're not a bad guy.

As I said, I'd convinced myself that my presence was a burden on others. Even if I wasn't malicious or selfish, I-...

[He breaks off again.]

At that point, in those false memories, I had been alone for months, broken only by a single companion, who died when I was meant to protect him. I'm not sure how sane I was when the cult was finished using me.

... You thought it would be better that way.

[Flynn speaks into the pause then falls silent when Enoch picks up again.]

The cult? What do you mean, are you talking about the creepy death office jail with the murder basement? [Not the most eloquent way of putting it – and maybe not good timing – but Flynn has a very visceral reaction to that place that makes controlling his words a bit... difficult.]

If only it had only been murder. [Bitter, choked, probably everything Flynn expects. He remembers the crushing pain and the thread of hope he found in being encouraged to reach out to a friend. He also "remembers" the guilt never ending, spiraling into the worst.]

But...you weren't here, when- oh no, did you remember being here for it?

[There is a pause before Flynn answers. This isn't a direction he had wanted to take here.]

Yes, I do. But it's okay, it wasn't as bad, nothing really happened to me.

[He's pretty sure this means Flynn was trapped on the handle side of the scalpel. Even when they were never there, this place manages to force that event on people...]

Technically speaking, nothing happened to me, either. But it did. If you were- ...made to be one of them, like I was, that isn't really "nothing". And not being as bad doesn't- doesn't make it nothing, either.

[His breath keeps trying to come too short and he's stubbornly trying to keep control of it. It only serves to highlight his distress, rather than hide it. It may have been a month ago, but it's still a very raw spot, recently made worse by the knowledge of what it could have done to him.]

No-- no, Enoch, I wasn't, I... really, I'm okay. I don't have any memories of... the town didn't give me any memories of what happened down there. Just of being there and attempts to escape. It was freaky and horrible but... I'm fine.

I'm just very sorry you guys had to go through all this. I... saw the rooms.

It's easily the worst that-...

[Why is he rambling on at Flynn about this? Too much has been happening lately. Some days he's better, even well, but this is apparently not one of them.]

...I'm sorry.

Were you... [He clears his throat, unsure, wanting to tread lightly.]

Did they do that brainwashing thing on you?

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