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"A while"? How long?

[It's distracted, as he tries to discern whether Beckett is actually asleep or not. If he is, is it worth waking him for the pillow?

In a perfect illustration of John's point, he suddenly remembers the conversation and returns to his tablet.]

This place we're in is disorienting, and...the past several days have been difficult.

Honestly, ever since Clayton died, but it seems like you've been a lot quieter on the network the last few weeks.

It's been...difficult, nothing more. The anomalies, both times, and now this...

[It sounds almost like he's just sleepily talking to himself for a moment. "Out of it" certainly applies this moment.]

And before that, I was alone for so long... It's-...hardship, that's all.

There's a difference be a normal level of difficult and an unnatural one. Have you had any problems sleep? Problems with your appetite? Motivation?

I wouldn't know what normal is for me. It's nothing I haven't experienced in some form for a very long time. I haven't slept aside from the spider bites since Quark-...

[Suddenly, making sure his companions are comfortable is very important to him.]

Enoch... If you're having that much trouble sleeping, that's a problem. Have you ever had insomnia before Norfinbury? That's when you can't sleep.

[He knows it's a problem, this much lack of sleep, he just...doesn't think it's worth examining. That there are people who deserve this attention more, people in greater need than sleeplessness he's no stranger to. And yet, turning John away seems like it would be denying him whatever atonement he wants to make for the way he spoke to him, even if it had really not bothered Enoch so much, knowing what it was.

It's easier, in this worn-down state of mind, to simply acquiesce anyway. Coming up with a reason and a means to gently turn him away takes too much mental effort, after everything that's happened tonight.]

Sometimes, yes, when nightmares were frequent enough. It's never gone on so long, but I suppose it might have had my companions not noticed, so I truly couldn't say.

What about things other than sleeplessness? Have you lost interest in most things? Even things you might've once enjoyed? Like talking to other people? Have you ever found yourself thinking that it might just be easier if you weren't there or if you went to sleep and didn't wake up?

[He's started talking about it. That's the hard part, the part where such questioning usually ends. Beyond this, it becomes an unburdening, and he speaks more easily, finding a spot away from his companions for the moment, so he doesn't disturb them. Of course, it's all one room, who's to say he's not perfectly clear even from all the way over there?]

Speaking with others hasn't become less enjoyable, I believe? But I seem to feel the distance over the network more keenly now than before. At its worst, paying attention to it at all reminds me of the others I cannot meet such that it doesn't feel worth it to try.

[This is starting to sound like depression to John. Understandably so.]

Have you talked to any other doctors here at all about this, Enoch? Because honestly, it sounds like you might have a medical condition. I'm not sure if it's MN Poisoning or not, though. Depression is one of the symptoms we've seen from that. We can contact the Admin and ask her to confirm if you have MN Poisoning, if you'd like. If not, then it might be more standard depression that we could possibly treat with some medication.

Depression-...oh.

[He seems to suddenly remember. Give him a moment of nothing but the tablet making sounds in response to his touch.

Eventually, he links this.]

[Ah... well, it's nice to have concurrence from another medical professional, even if it's House. Trying to fob a patient off on other doctors. John sighs to himself.]

Well, he's not wrong about the possibility of medication helping. If it's something you want to try. We can also just try talking more. I know we haven't really done much of that, and I won't pretend to be a therapist, but I can listen.

I- I don't understand the medication, really. I admit I'm still having a hard time of thinking of this as an illness. It feels like something that's been...oh, I don't know... I don't feel like this is anything I haven't dealt with in some form for as long as I can remember, except the...strange feeling the network creates when it's all I have. Being surrounded by people but also being utterly alone.

[John's quiet for a moment.]

I know the feeling, Enoch. After I got back from the war, I was in a really bad way. I went from being around people constantly, constant action and stimulation to a little bedsit where most of the time the only people I saw were the ones at the shop when I went to pick up food. I was back in London. There were millions of people around, rather than the couple hundred we had on base. And I'd never felt so alone in my life, even with the Internet. Even with people I knew being there.

It is an illness, Enoch. I know it's hard to look at it that way, but it's your brain just not processing things like it should be. It's easier to see that from the other side when you are back to level.

But it can be talked into submission, too. Is that- um- is that comparable to resting to combat a more typical...

[What makes this less typical, actually? He'd better amend that if he's going to try to understand this.]

Er, that is, a more obvious illness? Rather than medicating it?

Something like that. Talking doesn't always work, but there is some merit to that whole 'the power of positive thinking' thing. People who are depressed are usually stressed out. Talking and working through what's stressing you, finding ways for you to combat it, that can alleviate the stress. Less stress on the body means it's not working as hard and it can help to alleviate the symptoms of depression, as a result. That's just one example of things, though.

Does that make sense? Your body's a very interconnected system. Emotional stress can translate into physical stress, which emotionally stresses you more. It's all a terrible feedback loop and talking or medication or other therapies can one part or the other of that cycle that's feeding your depression.

I think I understand...

[Well, as well as someone who didn't know what the brain was even for before this place. He figured the soul (that is, identity, emotions, goals...things get weird in a canon where the soul is a verifiable entity) was anchored to the heart if it belonged to a specific body part at all.]

...Do you think the medicine is the best choice?

[House jumped right to it, after all. But he also knows House was reliant on medication before, for other things. There may be a bias, and he doesn't understand these things well enough yet to say for sure.]

[There's a long pause on John's end as he considers that.]

I think medicine is usually the treatment of last resort in these kinds of situations. But I'm not a therapist. And I don't know where we'd get one. We're just not equipped right now to offer many other treatment options. I think the medicine will stabilize you and let you find some more balance here.

I trust your judgment but...why is it considered a last resort? Is it made of particularly rare things or difficult to create?

[Availability was generally why medicinal remedies were foregone in his own experience, after all. And this is an entirely new thing to him - sure, Clayton had touched on the subject when he'd found some antidepressants, but that had been so long ago, he hadn't thought he'd needed it. So his natural curiosity has definitely taken over.]

No. It's just more of a band-aid than a full fix. Medication can regulate your body's hormones back to normal and stabilize you. But if the source of stress is still there, it can mean that if you stop the meds, you'll go right back to where you were. The ideal cure is one that you don't have to live with forever. Medication can also have side-effects.

[And now he's glad he's curious enough to ask about these things, depressed or not. He's seen some side effect listings on the medication bottles he'd found and that Clayton carried, so he knows what he means. He just doesn't remember what, if anything, what he'd found said.]

I see...I suppose that makes sense.

[Except what about when the source of stress was kind of built in? Well, he wouldn't ask about that. He may trust John enough to do this anyway, but he still wants to know what he's getting into.]

What sort of side effects?

There are a wide range of potential side effects, but most of them are mild or can be alleviated by switching to a different anti-depressant. Nausea, changes in your appetite, fatigue, and drowsiness are some of the ones that spring to mind as the most common. But like I said, we can sort that out my adjusting dosage or the medication, itself. Anti-depressants work on the body in different ways

[Those don't sound too bad!]

I think I could manage any of those, so... I'll start with whatever you see fit. I do admit being...baffled as to the apparent existence of so many medicines for one disease.

[The answer would be obvious for anyone who was listening closely enough, John implied it just now, in how they work in different ways. But Enoch hasn't slept for several days and is down a good amount of blood on top of that. His focus isn't what it should be.]

Different things work for different people. I'll put in the prescription now. You should be able to find it tomorrow in the next place you search.

My offer also stands if you ever just need someone to talk to, mate.

Thank you. I...I admit it still feels strange, all of this.

[And here comes the guilt. It should be going to someone who needs it more. He can't be the only person suffering, and he's certainly more used to it than most...]

...But thank you, all the same.

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jumpthegun - 2017-08-16 15:28 (UTC) - Expand

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cw: suicidal ideations

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