[It's not good, that Enoch is so afraid - and yet somehow it is good, because Enoch is someone he believes in. Even as his weakest Enoch has an enduring faith. And if he is afraid then the fear must be real. Then the effect must be real. Then an effect, an outside effect, is what it must be.
Beckett tries not to linger on his own mental calculations, lest they start to crack under his scrutiny. Instead he speaks up.] Everyone - it's everyone. I've [static] Angel. Rhys, Brian - we're all feeling [static] all the same delusion.
I've- [the rest of the sentence gets lost in static.] This feeling that- ----ne.
[What he's trying to ask about is the suspicion that they're all alone cropping up. But the interference simply won't let him. It would like that, wouldn't it, if he could get no clear answer. If he feels the same way, then what proof does Enoch have that doesn't point to a bias? If he doesn't, who's to say he's not deluding himself?]
Not you, Enoch. [Very quiet. He would like to believe it. Whether he's imagined this, this place and this man, or not, there are things he would like to believe. It's strange, that someone like him would wish quite to hard to believe in the truth of some goodness.] You can ▒▒▒ much. I know. But no God who lo▒▒▒▒ leave you alone.
[The response comes out a lot stronger than he intended it, thankfully for his companions the static coincides with the in-person distortions so he's barely there to be heard.]
But I -------! I must be ----- mad, --- ---ver....
[Being alone is intrinsically upsetting as it is. To someone who needs someone else in his life like Enoch, it's unbearable. Practically unlivable. He can't fully turn himself over to this paranoia.]
[The static disrupts everything. Something has managed to bring him to offer comfort, to the extent that he can. and he can't even do that. Frustration and fear make Beckett hiss through his teeth, but maybe it's just one more noise in the system.
He doesn't so much answer as speaks what comes to mind.] Perha▒▒ ▒▒ ▒▒▒ all mad. There's a ▒▒▒▒▒ndness in sharing madness. Anatole had ▒▒▒ I ▒▒▒ know the song they share. He me▒▒▒ as a gift...
[Somehow, under all the pressure, under all this fear, with all the pain and hardships behind him, both in Norfinbury and at home, somehow the thought his mind seizes on is so much smaller than any scope he's dealt with for centuries, and in absolute irony, it comes out with perfect clarity, a quiet, morose complaint about something weirdly normal, for all he's experienced:]
I can't go mad, I'm so close to having a family of my own...a place to call home, forever.
[The awkward silence following suggests even he may be aware of how small he just sounded, and he isn't sure how to salvage that image, to minimize any worrying that might be done, or isn't sure he wants to.]
[In his state, Enoch's state, in the place they are both trapped in, Beckett doesn't even think about smallness. He thinks Enoch sounds very much like he would, did, about something else entirely. So close. That's the heart of what despair means, isn't it. When hopes are not only dashed, but revealed to have been empty all along.]
Would God allow it? [He asks with horrible wondering honesty. An answer he does not have. A hope he's afraid of imagining.] For you - you of all men - to come so close for nothing?
My direct service to Him is done. He would not dare interfere in parts of my life He has no claim to.
[The next is in a smaller voice again, frightened and sad. He can't hide it now. It hurts too much.]
That could be why they haven't come. Lucifel would know I am out of place, wouldn't he? ...He can't come after me. I'm done. My mission is complete... He can't come...he has no right to interfere anymore...it's over...
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warriorscribe) wrote2015-06-01 03:54 pm
no subject
Beckett tries not to linger on his own mental calculations, lest they start to crack under his scrutiny. Instead he speaks up.] Everyone - it's everyone. I've [static] Angel. Rhys, Brian - we're all feeling [static] all the same delusion.
no subject
[What he's trying to ask about is the suspicion that they're all alone cropping up. But the interference simply won't let him. It would like that, wouldn't it, if he could get no clear answer. If he feels the same way, then what proof does Enoch have that doesn't point to a bias? If he doesn't, who's to say he's not deluding himself?]
no subject
no subject
But I -------! I must be ----- mad, --- ---ver....
[Being alone is intrinsically upsetting as it is. To someone who needs someone else in his life like Enoch, it's unbearable. Practically unlivable. He can't fully turn himself over to this paranoia.]
no subject
He doesn't so much answer as speaks what comes to mind.] Perha▒▒ ▒▒ ▒▒▒ all mad. There's a ▒▒▒▒▒ndness in sharing madness. Anatole had ▒▒▒ I ▒▒▒ know the song they share. He me▒▒▒ as a gift...
no subject
I can't go mad, I'm so close to having a family of my own...a place to call home, forever.
[The awkward silence following suggests even he may be aware of how small he just sounded, and he isn't sure how to salvage that image, to minimize any worrying that might be done, or isn't sure he wants to.]
no subject
Would God allow it? [He asks with horrible wondering honesty. An answer he does not have. A hope he's afraid of imagining.] For you - you of all men - to come so close for nothing?
no subject
[The next is in a smaller voice again, frightened and sad. He can't hide it now. It hurts too much.]
That could be why they haven't come. Lucifel would know I am out of place, wouldn't he? ...He can't come after me. I'm done. My mission is complete... He can't come...he has no right to interfere anymore...it's over...